


The Undisclosed Desires in Your Heart

by soniagiris



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair, Angst, Bad English, Canon-Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Dissociation, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fusion with HPA saga, Game Spoilers, Introspection, Lowercase, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Post-Canon, Smoking, Swearing, Trans Male Character, Trans Saihara Shuuichi, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2018-09-28 17:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 11,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10140755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soniagiris/pseuds/soniagiris
Summary: Kaede and Shuichi, or Shuichi and Kaede - not that it, the order, matters - throughout all their worlds.





	1. not how our story goes

**Author's Note:**

> a collection of saiede drabbles posted on my tumblr o3o  
> warnings in notes for each chapter!!! please stay safe
> 
>  
> 
> [title source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OOWcsFj0U)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but there's no happy endings  
> not here and not now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * [ost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6r_QE95W5Qs)
>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!
> 


There's something grimly funny about voting. No, 'funny' isn't the right term, because Shuichi doesn't find the fact that he's about to condemn his friend

_(only a few days only a few damn days and he already dared to imagine them getting out together and the way unrestricted sunlight would hit kaede's smiling face and the piano-like melody of her laughter and her warm hand on his and he doesn't want to dream but that's a lie)_

to death hilarious at all. His sweaty fingers shake above the screen, above the picture of her, pixels blurring under teardrops splashed over it. Sixteen people are displayed there, and, if he raised his eyes, he'd meet fourteen pairs of scared eyes. No, that's

 _(she is smiling_ why _is she smiling why does she look so calm she's been proven guilty she_ confessed _and she's going to die she won't exist anymore and her smile looks cracked)_

wrong.

That's wrong.

It would be funny only if he could separate the messed up hilarity from what is going to happen to Kaede.

 _(she can't he can't it's been only a few days only a few days and yet the future he imagined for them feels so_ fucking _real he can't can't can't please please)_

Gritting his teeth, Shuichi moves his finger to the button labeled with his own name and votes.

Shuichi hopes.

_(it doesn't change a thing she still gets executed and his wrong wrong wrong vote doesn't change a thing)_

_(his unadulterated tears don't change a thing)_

_(his outstretched hand doesn't change a thing)_

_(his pain doesn't change a thing)_

_(nothing ever does)_

_(and kaede's death is no exception)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * feel free to fight me over this fic.
>   * it was titled 'that's why i'm not allowed to write.jpg' yeah fucken right i shouldn't have written a Thing while majorly depressed, but, alas. now suffer with me.
> 



	2. basorexia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An overwhelming desire to kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!!
> 


It's dumb.   
Kaede forcibly focuses her eyes on the equation jotted down in her math notebook. The handwriting defies the rules and goes up, up above the dotted line, and numbers cramp into something unreadable. Is that an eight? Or maybe a three? Or maybe something else. The beta sign?   
She lifts her head, intending to stare dramatically at the clouds outside. That doesn't work out. Instead of being all woeful and angsty, she finds herself staring at Shuichi. At his lips, to be precise.   
It'd feel so nice to kiss him, she muses. Doing that wouldn't take much, only getting up from her chair and leaning towards him, and then she'd take his face into her hands, tilt her head and press their mouths together, and he'd gasp, and then–   
Kaede slams her forehead onto the desk with a grim sort of glee.   
She's dumb.   
"Aka– Ah, K-Kaede?"   
She can't see him, but she's pretty hecking sure Shuichi's staring at her in horror. His eyes are wide, hands hovering above her shoulders, and his lips are wide, his soft, delicate–   
Dumber than dumb.   
"I'm all right," she mutters. I'm not, and I'd love to kiss you, but even though we are kind of close to dating, you'd probably get a cardiac arrest right away, she means.   
"Um. A-alright then...?"   
They go back to studying. Kaede stares at math. Math stares back at her.   
Wait. Maybe that's not an eight or a three, but this funny little thing that you put when you make integrals? Hold on, but did they even go over integrals? Ugh. At least she's now feeling inspired for yet another piano piece. It'll be called 'fuck the school, the entire education system and also me for being dumb.'   
"Kaede." Shuichi brushes his hand over hers, and off the trails goes Kaede's thought process. Bye-bye, thought process, we had a great time together, I'd invite you for tea, but no.   
"Y-yeah?" she manages weakly, then makes herself look at Shuichi. To her surprise, there's a gentle, knowing smile playing on his lips (nope, nope, Kaede, do not think about them once again), and a faint blush tinting his cheeks.   
"I think that's enough studying for today," he says. "It's a beautiful day. We could go for a walk or– or something."   
And then, before Kaede can reply, he bends forward and kisses her on the lips.   
Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * originally posted on tumblr for Ye Olde Fic Ask Meme. it was fun, tho, writing this and cackling to myself.
> 



	3. maybe i'm a bad person (and maybe i know)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The writer of their story must've hated them, a whole damn lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!! <3
>   * [inspiration](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beiPP_MGz6I)
>   * warnings in the end notes ;;
> 


They escape. That should be the end to their story, that’s what Kaede would like. They escape, and everyone can think,  _ now everything will be okay, those people who watched can relax and revel in their stolen catharsis. _ But,  _ ah _ , thinking of your life, that most horrific chapter of it, as just a fiction, isn’t that what the three of them are going to fight?   
If she was alone, she’d scream, scream,  _ scream, _ till her voice gives out, dies, and she’d feel like dying herself, and she would be able to fool herself into thinking that some of her misdoings are forgiven. But no, she’s not alone, she’s standing watch by the creaking window, unavailingly fishing out the scraps of music in the wind howling outside, just because sleep won't come. Just by her side, Maki curls up under Momota-kun’s coat, rejuvenated by unconsciousness, and a few feet away Shuichi stirs in his sleep, the neatly cut shadows hiding his eyes better than the hat ever did.   
Kaede rests her aching head on the weakened wall. Her hands shake.   
The scent of rotting wood grows stronger when she focuses on it, and Kaede bites down a needless sob. How pathetic. How  _ expected. _ She failed, her cowardice chained her will and caused that  _ clusterfuck _ of a first trial, and the second, third, fourth, fifth one. Those promises about being brave, written on the foggy mirror on their first day there, were all but kept. She watched people die, knowing the game could’ve ended much earlier, if only. If only.   
The next sob squeezes through Kaede’s chapped lips, and she simply lets her eyelids fall down. Couldn't have saved anyone, can't pretend to be okay with the past.   
“Kaede?”   
She can’t reply. Her silent (a lie, they're not silent, a lie, and she is one too) tears worsen.   
Without opening her eyes, she allows herself to be pulled up and led out of the room, taking in the warmth coming from Shuichi’s arm around her shoulders. That one simple, human feeling is her anchor, her lifeline, and she’s tired of crying, faking bravery, she’s– she’s done with it. That is it, that should be it, the realistic yet predictable ending of her –  _ their _ – story, and that is what makes Kaede coil around herself and realize that now she doesn’t need to permit herself to cry.   
“Kaede,” Shuichi says helplessly, crouching beside her, but he doesn’t reach out, now seemingly awake enough to remember his own unspoken words.   
“Sorry,” she manages between choking, broken breaths, meeting his eyes, and–   
Kaede  _ sees _ him. His concerned gaze, his delicate body, his messy hair, and how his chest moves with each inhale and exhale, he’s alive, he’s here and he’s alive, and so is she, her heart still beats and her lungs beg for air. She relaxes, lets her limbs fall away from her shaking body. She’s alive, and the future can’t be solved for x. The future has already been written.   
Without putting any thought into it, Kaede moves forward and captures Shuichi’s lips between hers. And that’s wrong, there’s a sour note in the melody of their tale, for first kisses shouldn’t be like this. They should speak of love and understanding, not of stale despair and utter solitude. But, Kaede thinks as Shuichi pulls her into his lap without breaking eye contact, that’s not  _ their  _ first kiss. There’s no  _ them _ , she thinks as her tired tears mix with his, not yet, and that’s why it doesn’t count, it won’t count.   
_ It won’t count. _   
Because they can’t love, not now.   
They break off, sharing each other’s air for a while, then Kaede tightens her hold on Shuichi’s neck. Don’t die, she’d say, but she’d make him promise, and no one can keep a promise. Shuichi just brushes his thumb under her eye, and it’s clear he does understand.   
Besides, their story is one of despair. Kaede mustn’t forget that. And she has to navigate through her bloodied narrative, both releasing things from her grip and holding them close, trapping herself in a lose-lose situation.   
The despair bites down on her heart like a hungry child, and she goes back, lies back to back with Maki and holds Shuichi’s hand when she lets go of her consciousness.   
_ That isn’t a happy end, _ she thinks in her last second. But it’s the one she earned.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: pda, death ment, general depressive atmosphere,** gratuitous poetics (as usual), **self-applied victim blaming.**
>   * originally posted on my tumblr @soniagiris, go there if you search for shitposts and pathetic crying c:
>   * listen,,,, the kaede-lives!au WILL BE MY BEGINNING&ENDING.
>   * written in like. half an hour???? while high on sugar????? listen idc. it was fun. and i _may_  continue this. depends on my motivation (or, at this point, the lack of it). Who The Fuck Knows????? Certainly Not This Humble Ol' Sil here. they don't know shit. they're here to cry and write and cry. o3o
> 



	4. us (you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was a right decision.  
> (it wasn't)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!
>   * i'm not sorry.
> 


you don't fall in love with her. but you know you could, if death hadn't taken her away from the world (not from you; she was never yours), an unjust end that should never have occurred, but since when is dying fair?   
you don't fall in love with her. and yet you can almost taste how it would feel like, watching her lips and her body and reflecting about how warm her breath would feel inside your lungs. that thought haunts you – or no, it doesn't, not really, it's more as if– as if it watches over you. you relish in that could-be-would-be, hold onto it with your fingertips, wrap your soul around it, refusing to let go.   
you don't fall in love with her. it would be very simple to do so, you know, you sense; just letting yourself fall and fall without ever landing. but you can't do this to her, to yourself – but mostly her. she's the one who counts, who deserved better; she had the right to chocolate smudges on her cheeks, to the smell of leather and vanilla following closely by, and to joy so vibrant it would take her off guard. you couldn't give it to her, and so you watched her go out alone, frightened and sobbing – and braver than you could ever be.   
you don't fall in love with kaede akamatsu. you presume she wouldn't want you to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * cw: if you know what happened in ndrv3chap 1, then you know what gonna happen here.
>   * idk should i go o3o or ;;bleh.
> 



	5. dead arms around him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she was not meant to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * **warnings in the end notes**
>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!
>   * guys i'm so fucking sorry
>   * [inspiration](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZCZG5pwQGk)
> 


she wasn’t meant to survive.   
those words silently drip from her starched lips as she’s brushing her teeth, browsing through future foundation's documents, forcing in a tasteless lunch, kissing shuichi goodnight. sometimes, they mark maki’s piercing gaze. (they do not, but lying to herself – ah, kaede’s good at this, and self-blame is her beginning and her ending, and everything in between). they never tangle themselves around her and shuichi’s interlaced fingers. a stupid boy, kaede thinks, once, and then she sees tenko frowning at her from around the corner, and the sudden smell of decay makes kaede throw up.   
she stops thinking about it. and yet her throat stays sealed, and music leaves her life.  _ if i can’t use my cheating talent, what should i do, _ kaede muses, brushing shuichi’s hair and watching his eyelashes flutter in a mute nightmare.   
the next day, when he is supposed to come home late, she plays a brute, rough-edged american song, and dances to it, flailing like a drunk, and, god, does she feel drunk, drunk on pain and hatred and guilt and music and blood blood amami’s sacrifice shinguji’s homicide despair spilling worldwide–   
and she’s not crying, not laughing, and she’s blank, but at least the words leave her, even if for a moment, and who  _ cares _ about her surviving if she didn’t survive at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: alcohol ment,**  i guess.
>   * written while hurting a lot. yeah. sue me. (do not sue me, please, i barely have the cash money for my smokes n shit)
> 



	6. Kisses Laced with Gunpowder, Or: How Did I Learn Not to Piss Kaede Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One, two, three, you owe me (not) a beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * **content warnings in the end notes!!!**
>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!
> 


"You owe me one."

Kaede smiles to herself, seeing Shuichi startle at that, almost spilling his drink. Good. Usually, she's not that… mean, not to use a harsher word, but now her feet ache from these terribly overpriced high heels, and the dress she borrowed from Shirogane feels a bit tight in the chest. Or maybe, she wonders as she notices yet another person giving her an appreciative gaze, that was the point of this gray sheet of silk that shows off way too much of her legs.

"Um," says Shuichi, then takes a small sip of his honey whiskey. "Do forgive me, Ak– Kaede, I should've asked M-Maki, or someone else, but you were the first person that came to my mind, s-so…"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Kaede laughs, then adds with a fake pout, "But here I was, thinking you wanted to take me here, to a couple-only party, to treat me a bit…"

"But we're not a couple," Shuichi notices. And immediately goes red. So does Kaede.

To quote this freaking dork,  _ um. _

Glaring at the confused bartender, she drinks a bit of her wine. It's too bitter for her liking, but at least her hands are occupied. And so is her mouth. Wait, go back. That's not an image she wanted in her mind. Shoot. Her blush deepens, spreading to her neck. Thank gosh it's covered, shoutout to Shirogane. 

"K-Kaede?" Shuichi taps her wrist, then smiles timidly. "Forgive me for taking so much time, but I'd like to note that you look dashing today."

Kaede looks at him.

He looks at Kaede.

"Why, thank you," she finally breathes out, with a smile. "You too."

She needs to make a sacrifice to Angie's god, because the man they're observing finally does something interesting, so Kaede can't take her sweet time to dwell on how lame her reply was.

"The woman he's shaking hands with now…" Shuichi checks his phone discreetly. "Kuzuryu-san did mention her. Wait…" He gasps, suddenly pale as chalk. "Oh, shit."

And that's when the woman pulls out a gun and fires it in the ceiling.

 

* * *

 

"You owe me two."

"Maybe even three." Shuichi ceases his futile attempt at freeing his hand from where it's cuffed to a pipe and turns his head to give Kaede the sad eyes. The same ones that made Kaito and Ouma burst into tears after two seconds of exposure; they caused the former to declare a war on the entire universe, with Tenko loudly seconding that idea.

Anyway, Kaede is resistant. After dealing with too many kids of Maki’s, no shit fazes her.

Really. 

(And that sudden show of violence – well. Once she walked into a nice loud argument between three of her more violent upperclassmen and ended up watching them show off their sniper skills).

"Maybe even three," she agrees, trying to rub her wrist. At least one of the woman's subordinates decided not to waste two pairs of handcuffs on a weak, scared couple of students (ha, ha, as if). And so Kaede can sit down, pulling Shuichi down with her and causing him to yelp in surprise, and kick off her shoes. They hit the wall and make a few specks of paint fall off. Her friend watches it, then says,

"I think I got an idea." He experimentally tugs on their handcuffs, causing the chain to make a 'plink' kind of noise against the rusty pipe. Kaede raises her brow, then grins. 

"On three?"

"On three," Shuichi confirms, then–

"Three!" they shout in unison, pulling on the chain straining against the pipe, gleaming steel cutting into the rust, harder and harder until the vessel breaks – and they fall to their knees.

"Yay," Kaede says weakly. "I can't feel my hand."

"Sorry!" Shuichi pulls her up, his hand lingering on her bare forearm. "I'm so sorry, Akamatsu-san, it was very dumb of me to take you here, I-I should've never asked, there are no words to–"

Hell. She nearly got shot today. (Okay, okay, there was almost no chance of that, she knows, okay). And that can change for worse, unless the mace she hid in her bra works. It was dangerous, and yet she's not as scared as humanly rational. Whatever. 

So, with those scraps of thoughts on her mind, Kaede draws Shuichi close by his tie for a quick kiss. 

"You still owe me two," she whispers into his lips. 

Shuichi blinks at her, beet-red, then smiles back.

"Or three."

"Or the entire infinity."

And off they go, still linked by the handcuffs, about to put an end to the story they'll be telling their future neighbors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: alcohol; guns; guns usage; violence** (sorta)
>   * written for a prompt!!! original at my tumblr @soniagiris
> 



	7. i feel numb in this kingdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaede gets lost in thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!
>   * [inspitation and title source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-fD3PIRSO8)
> 


Her memories jumble, twine and intertwine, and sometimes it's hard to pick out which one belongs to Kaede Akamatsu, and which one to the Super High School Level Pianist.   
She tilts her head back and opens her mouth, catching the raindrops, sliding down her too-warm face, on her tongue. They taste like dust and iron, and it makes Kaede feel the most alive since–   
_ Since? _   
Were her thoughts a forest, it'd be the one straight from stories told to naughty children, a mass of decaying pine trees growing from the riddled soil, fed with millenniums-old corpses and unspoken warnings. Kaede frowns, twiddling with the hem of her soaked jacket. For some reason, doing melodramatic stuff like standing in the downpour at four in the morning makes her muse like a– a German poet from the eighteenth century. And – does it come from Akamatsu, or from the Pianist?   
About two downpours ago, she gave up on trying to discern it. But at least she realized that– that both of them like the rain. The Pianist likes the rhythm, Akamatsu likes the smell, and Kaede only stands on the balcony, unsuccessfully yet restlessly waiting for the stars to appear in the sky above Future Foundation's base.   
_ Akamatsu had a sketchbook full of made-up constellations. _   
Kaede catches herself scratching that small patch of the roughened skin by her thumb, just like the last time a new memory wriggled out of the mess. Wrapping her fingers around the cool metal of the railing, she focuses on the breathing exercise she knows like the back of her hand.   
The wind blows feebly, pulling a few strands of her wet hair from her neck, and brings the smell of cigarette smoke. Kaede shuts her eyes, then calls out,   
"Shuichi."   
"H-Hey." A hand on her shoulder. The scent grows stronger. "You noticed me only just now."   
"So it seems." The tiles cool her bare feet. Grounding, grounding,  _ grounding. _ "Can't sleep, or did you wake up just to poison yourself?"   
"Which one is worse?"   
She doesn't reply. Doesn't look at him. Why would she? She knows Shuichi, his body and his demons, and it's not that hard to see him now, still in the uniform, locks of hair even darker than usual sticking to his throat, a cigarette tentatively held between the index and middle finger, eyelashes wet – maybe from tears, maybe from the rain. The Pianist's skin itches.   
Too tired for any of that interior and exterior pose bullshit, Kaede waits for Shuichi to finish smoking, then turns on her heel and buries herself in his arms. Resting her chin on his shoulder, she keeps looking for the stars (Akamatsu hums a tuneless song). He embraces her, one hand on her shoulder blade, the other on her waist. There's a quiet rasp in his breathing, and it makes Kaede want to scream her throat out.   
Ah. She's being over-the-top again. After all, the other had it worse.   
"Go back to sleep," Shuichi whispers into her hair. "Please."   
"You too, mister," she talks back, channeling the Pianist. Somehow, she finds it better to convince her friend to take care of himself when she ignores Akamatsu – even though she doesn't remember being Akamatsu. 

_ And she has to pretend otherwise, she has to– _   
Somehow, she doesn't hate herself, or the Pianist, that much because of it.   
Somehow, she doesn't make others speak of their own split sets of double memories.   
And, when they leave the rain and cuddle on the floor, wrapped in a thick blanket (a present from Kirigiri-san), Kaede realizes that all Kaedes loathe despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **cw: dissociation (ish?), smoking, depressive atmosphere :v**
>   * guys i'm sad.
> 



	8. Pocky Game For Dorks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they are alive and in love and fuck your cows kodaka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!! <3
>   * inspiration is ed sheeran's 'shape of you'. kinda. sorry
> 


Back home, Kaede rarely overindulged on sweets. Heck. She barely could name three brands of jelly beans, while her peers aggressively shook the empty wrappers at her (thank them very much). Not like she cared much about this, after all. Never had this so-called sweet tooth in her.   
But then, Hope’s Peak took her under its broad wings – and Kaede was doomed. High school means hard exams, which means studying a lot,  _ which _ means sleep deprivation,  _ which, _ in the end, means supplying one’s mind with… various stuff. Coffee. Tea. Energy drinks.   
(One day, Kaede saw Shuichi pour a whole can of Monster into his cappuccino, stir in two  _ tablespoons _ of sugar, and then drink the entire thing in one big gulp. She felt for him).   
Or, like in Kaede’s case, sweets. Chocolate, the crappier, the better.   
Okay, that's not true. Once again.   
Chocolate. The cheaper, the better. Candies. If they taste like plastic, they're the good stuff. Cookies. Preferably those brand-named.   
After one exam a few months ago, she felt compelled to eat the contents of a nearby sugar-bowl. But that was in the past, and Yumeno-san already forgot.   
Anyway, those nostalgic, lemon-scented memories linger on Kaede’s mind as she walks into her classroom, a thermos full of coffee in one hand, and a pack of matcha pocky sticks in another. True, inserting those delicious goodies into her mouth has proven to be tricky, but it didn’t make her give up. Nothing will!   
(That yawn that almost made her drop her stuff doesn’t count).   
The class, thank Angie’s god, turns out to be not as difficult as Kaede feared, but she still gets several texts from her worried classmates. Notably, Shuichi uses every single moment of the time not spent on writing to send her yet another question mark. After the fifth one, Kaede toys with an idea of chucking her phone at the wall, but then Mitsurugi-sensei asks her about her overall opinion on the Meiji era revolutions. To hell with that guy, honestly, Kaede amiably thinks while doodling a bespectacled cravat and penning the teacher’s name underneath it.   
Then the bell rings, and most of the class dashes outside, ready to take in the April air and the sight of other students. Kaede stays, sipping her coffee and flipping through her notes.   
But Shuichi stays too, watching her lazily, head resting on his arms crossed on her desk. From time to time, Kaede raises her head to smile at him. He smiles back.   
When the bitter taste of coffee is too much, Kaede drains the reminder of the cup and reaches for a pocky. Then, a devilish idea grows in her mind.   
She offers the pack to Shuichi and winks.   
He blinks at it, but, without a word, takes one and sticks it between his lips, closing his eyes.   
Kaede reclaims it, leans forward, kisses him, then eats the pocky in dainty little bites.   
Shuichi raises his brows, a blush coloring his pale cheeks. Then grabs his bag and pulls a bag of sickly pink candies from it.   
No wonder people say the two of them already act like a married couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **cw: pda, swearing, random aa cameo**
>   * there was a prompt on the discord chat  and i am unfamiliar w/ the concept of stop (also inspired by a vine lmao)
>   * also i wrote this when pulling an all-nighter so ya
> 



	9. not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of peace.  
> (Hah. Did anyone believe that?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!
>   * someone gave me a 'goodnight kiss' prompt so of course i had to write ~~~Dem Angzt~~~
>   * hpa saga fusion o3o
>   * [inspiration](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlppyBJhLnc)
> 


As the crackling of the flames quietens to but a whisper, Kaede reaches for a blanket and wraps it around herself. Through her half-lidded eyes, she sees Shuichi pouring the hot water from the pot over the campfire into a canteen and setting it aside. The softly tap-tap-tapping droplets of the rain crashing on the riddled roof over their heads creates an odd rhythm; Kaede can’t help but flex her fingers. Shuichi notices it and throws her a faint smile.   
_ This, _ Kaede thinks,  _ is the closest to peace we’ll ever get. _   
Were she to tune out the hum of this… so-called game’s broadcast, coming from the screen mere meters away, she could believe that– Ah, scratch that. Her bruises sting too much to allow her even this smallest escape from this nauseating reality.   
Instead of wondering which one of those kids has died today, she shuffles closer to Shuichi and brushes her knuckles over his wrist. The boy starts, but quickly relaxes and pushes a strand of her hair, now clipped short, away from her eyes.   
For a moment – just that, a moment, briefest of whiles – they stay like this, looking at each other, skin touching skin, heartbeat against heartbeat. Only that. Not enough to fill the gap left by all the deaths Kaede witnessed, and it’s not fair. This shouldn’t be so unfair.   
Ultimately, she leans forward to press their lips together. And it also isn’t fair, 'cause she should feel– feel something. Just like the first time.   
Neither of them close their eyes. Someone may try to creep up on them, after all.   
Kaede moves away, gently touches Shuichi’s cheek, then lays down, her head on his lap. The sensation of his fingers in her hair has the same weight as that goodnight kiss, and she’d have carefully despaired if she hadn’t fallen asleep.


	10. i bury my memories about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he forgets. that's normal, and so is the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you! <3
>   * ndrv3 spoilers, canon-verse
> 


her face is already a blur when he catches himself forgetting, the ghost touch of her hand chilling him to the very bone; the liquor maki scavenged from the abandoned houses ignites his thoughts. ashes shatter over the recalls of kaede's smile and kaede's springlike laugh and kaede's life. everything, for this tattered moment, is about kaede.   
his skin aches for hers, and shuichi wants to rip it off his bones, layers of meat and memories to burn at a funeral pyre kaede never got. ashes to ashes, dead to dead. shuichi — sometimes, sometimes — thinks about finding his way to the only person he’s ever loved.   
but hearing that would make maki worry in her coarse, distant way. so he holds himiko's hand, goes on. doesn't cry anymore, keeps forgetting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * i wrote it in 10 minutes bc i got me them sads. 
>   * inspired by max richter's "in the garden" and aforementioned sads.
> 



	11. everything passes (everything goes away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are born with your soulmate's last words written on your skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by
>   * warnings in the end notes
> 


i.  
when his grandmother traces the faint lines on the soft skin of his wrist, murmuring about such a beautiful penmanship, feminine and airy, shuichi watches how his parents tighten their lips and mull over their daughter loving a woman. he holds onto a wrinkled hand of his granny and ignores the bitterness; thinks about love, takes in the smell of withering sakura coming from the open window.  
  
ii.  
the dictionary slips from his grip and falls on the floor, pages whishing like dead leaves crackling under steps, but shuichi ignores that sound in favor of searching for the proper kanjis. he writes the strokes on the inside of his palm and reads out breathlessly,  
"'if only we met earlier.'"  
the previous excitement fades, fades away.  
  
iii.  
there are girls all around him, and they're all that age which is all about new animes, sour candies bought for fifty yen in vending machines, and peeking at each other's uneven writing. shuichi dutifully follows their example, knowing, hoping, it'll pass. and suddenly he's thirteen and abnormally full of vitriolic exhaustion. because it won't pass, and the childish search turns out to be for naught, his parents' frowns turning into grimaces of disgust, but at least his uncle, after taking him in, never uses the girl-name.  


* * *

  
  
iv.  
some days he can't look at kaede without squinting, she's that bright. her bright hair and bright smile and how she doesn't comment on anything when he takes his cap off to look her properly in the eye - it's like there's spring sunlight in her veins. when shuichi falters, she stops for him, and when she gets jittery before her first concert, it's him to reassure and validate her. her hands are warm in his, and his routine self-loathing now includes begging the fate not to have her be his soulmate.  
  
v.  
her mark consists of three words, the most obvious - and heartbreaking - ones.  
she shows it to him, a few hasty scribbles on her hip, and repeats the sentence before placing her warm, warm fingers on his cheek to pull him for their kiss.  
"i love you too," shuichi whispers without breaking the contact. and it's alright.  


* * *

  
  
vi.  
expect the unexpected, his uncle used to say after solving each case, and shuichi listened - or so he thought. he thought many things, but everything falls apart when kaede, the beginnings of wrinkles moving when she frowns, looks away from the road to check on him and-  
everything falls apart.  
smoke, metal scraping metal, screaming. shuichi tastes blood. his vision blurs. there is redness on his clothes.  
then- then he finds himself with kaede's head on his lap and her hand in his. he finds himself in a middle of a sentence.  
"-love you," he finishes it. freezes. tries to say it, force it through his broken lips, just- just once again, just a few more seconds, please, it can't end, it can't just pass-  
"i know." she breathes in weakly. her fingers are cold. "if only we met earlier."  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: transphobia; major character death; some gore-y stuff**
>   * saiede angst is *that new groove pic* especially when ur depressed af
>   * comment if you read? please? ;_________________________________;
> 



	12. can't forget it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They won't compromise, won't live their lives on their knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * V3 ENDGAME SPOILERS
>   * beta by mimi @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you c:
>   * warnings in the end notes
> 


"Hey— Hey!" 

Flinging himself up, Shuichi falls to the floor and, when someone tries to 

(touch, grab, harm, kill, make him kill he  _ can't _ do this anymore)

help him up, he pushes them away blindly, pulse ramming in his throat and—

"It's okay, wake up," they— she says. Kaede. "This can no longer hurt you." Her voice lilts with  _ life, _ and Shuichi focuses on it. His vision withers

(how  _ utterly pathetic just like—  _ no, stop)

but Kaede, sitting down in front of him, presses her index finger to his wrist and hums a little tune, something he  _ knows _ he should recognize. Doesn't, though, simply breathes, breathes in out in out in out in, out. In. Out. 

"F-fuck," he manages finally, blinks, then gives Kaede an awkward smile. "S-sorry."

"Don't overthink it," she replies, idly moving her free palm over the carpet. During their — what an awful word — struggle, Shuichi threw the quilt off their bed, and now he pulls it to them, gracelessly draping it over their shoulders. Kaede lets go of his wrist, but only for the second when she's moving to rest against his side, and tangles their fingers together.

"Don't overthink it," she repeats. "At least we're even."

"That's, uh..." When he imagines the look on her face, the words stay unspoken. But—

But she's not sad. Not terrified, ridden with dreams which crawl under her skin and attenuate her blood, not like all those weeks ago, five days after the simulation finally ended, their nightmares coinciding and the first night they spent in each other's arms, hoping to burn death with their shared warmth. And not like two days ago, when Shuichi helped her work her way through a panic attack.

Kaede's not sad, and not happy. Thoughtful, perhaps. But alive. Hell, she looks more lively than he feels.

"At least you're here," he corrects her, in the end. 

(how dare he how dar— no, no, it's okay, he's allowed)

"We're here," Kaede shots back, then sighs. "But only till the end of the month."

"True... But what if," he swallows, "you and I, we went somewhere together?"

"Where?" she smiles, eyes crinkling with— hope? Truth or false?

(Truth.)

(it's not a cure, a solution, the best thing to do, but, somehow, it feels real, and he guesses it's enough)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: panic attack; death mentions; violence mentions; swearing**
>   * ??? i don't remember writing this fic but here it goes anyway.
>   * please comment/kudo if you read so i can vore valuable validation ahahahhahahahaha---
> 



	13. black on pink on gold on white

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are born seeing only black and white. if your soulmate's and yours eyes meet, you both start seeing the color of their eyes, and when you kiss, the world explodes in hues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> v3 chap1 spoilers o/

When he's eight, he starts jotting down colors.  
_white, like clouds on soon-to-be rainy days, father's hair, the shirt i bought with christmas' money._  
He's nine, and his parents have just left him with his uncle Kazutaka. They hug him goodbye and - almost - manage not to call him their daughter. Their little love Minako.  
It's his uncle who inspires him to choose his new name. The kanjis written in his shaky, childish scrawl look small and lost on the infinite, white expanse of paper, and boy, does he relate.  
_black, like seaweeds around pieces of sushi, blood spilled on concrete, tea_ _i buy in school vending machine._  
As the culprit is led away, one of the young policemen throws a safety blanket on Shuichi's shoulders and grumbles about kids having morbid interests these days. The white light of the sirens fills the air with flashes.  
Shuichi stares down at the ground and shakes, hard. He's thirteen and has just condemned a man to death. His eyes burn, and so does his throat and skin and-  
And he decides not to see any colors, ever.  
_gray - grass, skies, walls of my room._  
He tries to avoid looking in anyone's eyes directly. It's a rude action. A painful one. He imagines everyone judging him, with his delicate - breakable - voice and body too thin to explain his not quite flat chest.  
He's on a school trip to Tokyo, boarding the subway when his cap slips back from his head, and as he stumbles for it, that's the exact moment he catches someone's eye.  
Everything blooms.  
Eyes of that person, lost in the crowd, grow wider, but before Shuichi can duck or move to them or do anything else, the train starts moving.  
_pink, like sakura trees by precinct, my cheeks when_ _i'm cold or embarrassed, grapefruit ice cream._  
Kaede Akamatsu has her irises in the exact shade of pink he remembers, but Shuichi doesn't allow himself to presume.  
But then, with only supposedly hours to live, Kaede's fingers curl around his, and she leans forward to brush her lips against his.  
Barely a touch, but it's like a galaxy exploding.  
"Akamatsu-san, I," Shuichi says, and he's seventeen and alive and so is she, and it all will be-  
_black, like blood, white, like bones, gray, like the pulp left from my soulmate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **content warnings: light gore; light transphobia; blood mentions**
>   * this is sad and gay and i blame kyo @natogami
>   * actually i blame everyone
>   * please comment if read, i love validation o3o
> 



	14. the most honest thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget me, don't forget me, don't forget-

Next time he has hope, he'll damn well kick himself in the shin. After all - how did that quote he found once go? Wishing only wounds the heart?

"Saihara-kun?" Akamatsu-san touches his hand and offers him a confused smile. "Sorry, it's not like you're obliged to-"

"No, no," Shuichi shakes his head and smiles wanly. "I- I can do this. I can help you."

How rude of him, to think she'd like to date him without any higher purpose, for simply who he is (what he is). How selfish.

* * *

Her tan skin and golden hair contrast with the purple of her dress, as she gets up from the stool and bows to the audience. Shuichi, seated in the first row, doesn't take his eyes off her. Forgets to breathe. Only the cacophony of cheers makes him realize he's supposed to - his throat twists - be there for his girlfriend, and, after a beat, he joins the applause.

For a moment, he wishes they were alone, her and him, and the music filling the silence. 

"She's my partner," he says to the man beside him - he notices a press pass on his chest, what a coincidence - and forces out a proud grin. 

* * *

With nothing but a mere inch between them, Kaede laughs and leans forward to him. Shuichi watches her move, thinks, this is it, this may be it, please-

And she turns her face. Plants a kiss on his cheekbone. 

"Thank you," she whispers. "You're the best friend I could have."

Truly foolish, to even consider wishing. Hoping. Has anything good ever happened to him? Shuichi closes his eyes and tightens his hold on Kaede's shoulders.

Kaede. Kaede. A name as beautiful as the music sheets thrown on the music room floor. A name that'll never be his to cherish.

* * *

They're holding hands in case anyone sees them. The street around them pulses with raw life, neons and noises and negligent youth flickering around them as Kaede pulls him to the nearest 7-11 and orders two lattes. She ensures Shuichi's is made with brown sugar.

"Mm, here you go," she hands him the cup with an astray smile. "Just like you like it."

"Yeah," Shuichi mutters over the rim. It's late, it's really late, but Kaede asked for his company, and he's a good friend. Nothing more. 

But it is how it is, he supposes. He can't ask for more.

* * *

"I'd rather not do any romance," Kaede says three hours into their study session. They're about to finish their second year of Hope's Peak, and while they passed their talent examinations with flying colors, headmaster's new policy ensures the students also get the proper education. Sometimes it's irritating, but now, elbows deep in math, equations deafening his thoughts, Shuichi can't help but thank the man for that.

"Is that so?" he mutters quietly, typing into his calculator and frowning at the ugly result. 

"Yeah," Kaede confirms and flips a page of her textbook. "I just- don't think I'd find any pleasure in such stuff, so why force myself?"

"Y-yes, indeed." Shuichi lowers his head and realizes he forgot what was he doing. Numbers and signs and Greek letters seem to smile smugly at him.

* * *

It's just three months after their 'anniversary' that Kaede decides,

"Okay, I think that's- that's enough." She reaches out to rest her hand on Shuichi's. "Thank you so much, and I'm sorry it took so long, this charade."

"It's fine," he whispers, carefully not looking her in the eye. "It's okay." He pretends to look around the classroom so she wouldn't see how his eyes fill with tears.

"Still, I'm- I'm grateful, Shuichi," she says, and gives him a small smile. "It was nice."

"It was indeed," he says, but doesn't finish.

_ It was indeed pleasant to pretend we belonged to each other. _

He won't wish for anything else. He can't.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * title from keaton henson's 'the pugilist'
>   * i. uh. i said it's a Bad Bad fic, but ppl told me to publish. therefore, i am free of guilt. (but you can still kill me tho)
>   * quote comes from stephen schwarts and it goes 'Don't wish. Don't Start. Wishing only wounds the heart.' yeaaaaaaah well (and i found it thanks to a kung fu panda fanfic ahahahahahHHAhahhahahahahHHAHHAHAHAHh)
> 



	15. I'll set fire to the whole place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love as a tool. Part 1/2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * warnings in the end notes!
>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, thank you kiddo c:
>   * ENDGAME V3 SPOILERS
> 


At first, it's an act of defiance - against Shirogane, against Team DGRP, against the audience - and against themselves.

(The last bit? Not quite true. Not quite false.  Not at all beautiful).

At first, it's a shout, blood-curling shriek, a stale smell of blood, a scratched out hole in the fabric their show weaved. It's how Kaede, bare mere minutes before her being alive is announced, grabs onto Shuichi's collar and pulls him for a kiss that speaks of anything but love, gentleness, finesse. 

Her fingers touch his neck. Shuichi finally regains enough focus (and control, and breaks the surface of  _ this is what i dreamed about _ ) to realize Kaede's brushing out words on his flushed skin. She's writing,  _ make them pay, make them regret, make me pay _ .

After a few hundred seconds, she smiles to the camera in a way that makes you think about blades and bullets. A small bruise blooms just underneath her jawline, getting more and more prominent with every passing, undeserved minute. 

Safely tucked away in his room, Shuichi turns on the HD vision and cracks a smile. Now he can even see how swollen the girl's lips are.

Then this gory satisfaction fades, and his mouth fills with the taste of Kaede's blood.

When the nausea stops, Shuichi, still shaking, sinks to the bathroom floor and breathes, breathes. Can't hear the TV anymore.

Can't see how Kaede's smile grows cold and ugly when she's asked about 'that sweet little mark you got there'. She touches on the memory of her execution - it feels more like a dream than anything else, pain dulled to nothingness - then says,

"Well, how did that happen indeed."

"Did our lovely Saihara-chan have anything to do with it?" One of the interviewers giggles as the in-studio audience gasps.

"Well." Kaede stares them down. "Whoever that person was, they'd never use 'chan'. And they're not the Ultimate Detective, and I'll-" 

Her chest is heaving, breath coming short -  _ strangled  _ \- but she's still not  _ fucking afraid _ . 

"I'll possess their heart."

Shuichi never sees this particular part. He marks Kaede, lets her mark him, they toy and fuck and kiss and love and fight against everything they were melded to be.

It's not okay, both at first and at the end, even when it's not only defiance, but-

But there's nothing to excuse them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **content warnings: blood imagery; gore imagery; emetophobia; sex mentions**
>   * title from daughter's 'burn it down'. guys. Guys i love this song so much it made me cry and think about so many fucking aus.
>   * yep, part 1/2! this is focused on the idea that in v3 au the survivors Do Not retain their feelings for each other (or, let's say, the lion's share of their personality), but kaede and saihara decide to fake a relationship in order to please The Audience.
>   * next part is Not a continuation of this one, it's more like, let's say, another take on the scenario i mentioned above, with saihara being. well. a major Dickhead.
>   * comment/kudo if you read <3
> 



	16. I don't even care about our house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love as a tool. Part 2/2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * warnings in the end notes!
>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, thank you hon!!! c:
>   * ENDGAME V3 SPOILERS
> 


The silence of death hangs between them - until Shuichi tilts his head and says with an excessively childlike confusion,

"Did I really love you, y'know, back there?" When he reaches up, Kaede's mind flashes with the memory of him pressing his hand to his mouth, but he doesn't do that. Why would he, after all. He rubs his eyebrow instead with the side of his index finger, an alien smile blooming up. "Fuckin' hell, I was such an idiot."

"You... were," Kaede allows, folding her hands on her knees. "Still, that wasn't, uh... No. Nevermind."

"Wasn't what?" he prompts, leaning forward as much as the IV lets him, but the curiosity in his eyes - ah. Ah. She willfully takes the bait.

"Very nice thing to say," Kaede breathes out. Something in her stirs - she likes to call this thing The Pianist - and fills her with indignation. Away she pushes it, this foreign entity, takes another step into the inbred void.

"Still..." Sai- No, she - the Pianist never called him by his name. And the Pianist isn't Kaede isn't the Pianist isn't isn't isn't  _ anything _ at all. "Still, I get it, they needed to give the audience some couples to ship, one to queerbait, which is kinda terrible, and the other to give viewers them feels, but, holy shit, seriously?" Shuichi chuckles without humor. "Kaede, no offense, but you're... Well, you are you." His chapped lips stretch in yet another strange grin. "Such an old trope, for the love of everything holy."

"Sorry," she says offhandedly, "Shuichi."

He freezes, then tugs on the collar of his scrappy scrub. Hums,

"Smile, you're on camera." He stretches his palm out before himself and waits until Kaede curls her fingers around his. "That'd make some good television."

"It would," she agrees, her voice weak but firm, very close to falling apart, like grains of sand. "It really would."

He pulls her closer - she doesn't mind, the Pianist's gasp too loud to make Kaede care - and whispers into her ear,

"Let's give them a show, should we?" When she mumbles her yes, he presses the panic button and adds, something murderous sparkling in his eyes, "Kiss me like you mean it."

The nurse gasps and snaps a photo, but Kaede gives zero fucks. This is it, the game, it never ended and never will, and Shuichi? The Detective? The Pianist? Kaede herself? A blur.

Not friends, not enemies, not survivors, just strangers navigating in an ocean of lies.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **content warnings: swearing; vague dissociation; light medical talk; brief mention of queerbaiting** (thanks, saihara)
>   * title from daughter's 'burn it down'. yeet.
>   * guys i'm so Fucking emo about this au. so Fucking emo. i hate vr aus. i hate them. (i want to write a long-ass fic that's vaguely based on this lil' ficlet right here, but eh. we'll see).
>   * also my apologies for posting two chapters in a span of ten minutes, i just wanna have them Out. let them be Out There. owo
>   * comment/kudo if read o3o
> 



	17. crow's broken wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When was the last time you ate?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * warnings in the end notes
>   * ENDGAME V3 SPOILERS
> 


Nothing is okay. Absolutely nothing is okay, and Kaede is so,  _so_ sick of pretending otherwise. It's been over three months since the game has ended, and each single day has felt like an eternity to her.

She's tired. She's just so fucking _tired_. The spoon clatters to the floor as her grip gives out, making Shuichi raise his head sluggishly, the motion chunky and artificial. He's like a doll that was accidentally laundered, no longer functional, and Kaede hates that. Kaede almost hates him.

"Long live agility," Harukawa hisses out, picking up the spoon and dropping it at the table. She goes back to her oatmeal, not gracing the other two survivors with another look. It's still something, her speaking to them. That was the first pretense Kaede gave up - that Harukawa didn't hate them for not saving Momota-kun. She did, and it was visceral, chilled and perhaps a bit juvenile, but- but who cares. Kaede stopped and tried to salvage this amount of love she had left, tried to give it to Shuichi - but was too late.

See, that's the gist of it all - things are always too late. Nothing ever works in your favor when you need it. And when it does, it's just... gluing together the largest pieces. The small ones and the dust remain.

"When was the last time you ate?" asks Kaede, her gaze focusing in on Shuichi. The boy shrugs, not looking up from his phone. He hums to himself and taps the screen. Kaede narrows her eyes - ah. The anxiety help game. As long as he's not researching Team Dangan Ronpa, he should be fine. Perhaps.

Harukawa gets up, wordlessly, throws her bowl into the clunky dishwasher, silently, and gets out the door, mutely. Kaede doesn't even bother watching her go.

"Shuichi," she says instead. The given name doesn't prickle her throat anymore, no, it's just... it's just there. It's normal. Nothing special.

(God, she's so done with it all.)

"Kaede," he echoes, then tugs on his hat. "I'm not hungry."

"You never are." Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't say anything you'll regret, even if only for a while. "I'm worried about you."

"Last time you were worried about someone, you almost killed Amami-kun," Shuichi says, and his voice is _dead_ , it's _dead_. "So I'd rather you let me do as I please."

"I- whatever." Kaede throws her head back and laughs. Laughs, laughs, laughs. And then says, "Then starve yourself to death, if you want to." She pushes her chair back and, for the first time in three months, speaks the truth, "I really don't care what happens to you, at this point."

"I know." Shuichi's voice holds a tint of wry, self-deprecating smile. "I was created to uncover the truth, after all. So please... don't act like you care. That's annoying."

"You're annoying."

And, when Kaede closes the door to their shitty apartment behind herself and steps into the real world, the aftertaste of cereals and acid still lingering in her mouth, she feels _liberated_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * content warnings: eating disorder discussion; swearing; 
>   * gosh i love kaede lives! au but it's also making me superduper Emo.
>   * written for a hurt writing prompt meme i reblogged on my tumblr! i mean i wrote it for myself since no one gave me a prompt.... *sad cat emoji*
> 



	18. flow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the night after your birthday, you can see your soulmate - but only if they're dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * warnings in the end notes c:
>   * ENDGAME V3 SPOILERS
>   * HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAIHARA. YOUR GIFT IS WHAT YOU WANT THE MOST - DEATH.
> 


The light softens around the two of them.

"Happy birthday, Saihara-kun," Akamatsu-san says, smiling, and Shuichi can't pull his eyes off her unblemished neck.

She's been dead for five months. 

His vision blurs with tears. He falls to his knees and, too weak to lift his head, chokes out,

"Do I have to wake up, Akamatsu-san?" 

She sits by him and hums. He knows the melody, and he tries to hum it back at her, but his voice keeps breaking. At least his breathing slowly gets calmer, until it's no longer sandstorm on sandpaper.

"I miss you," he says in the end, and looks her in the eye. The pink of her irises is misty with tears. Her expression doesn't harden, it stays a serene, sweet smile.

"I know." The reality starts to grow fuzzy. "I miss you too. And I... will miss you."

Shuichi wakes up.

* * *

The next year, he's too drunk to dream. He wakes up feeling like a minced meat and wails into his pillow.

* * *

The air is warm and scentless, and it puts him on edge.

"Our meeting won't last long," Kaede murmurs, frowning, as she's giving him a hard look. "Did you... tamper with your sleep somehow?"

"I took a pill," Shuichi admits sheepishly, then sits down, cross-legged, and peers at Kaede. The wound has almost closed, so the ache inside him doesn't bother him this much. "I... thought that'd make me dream more."

"No, just sleep more. I think." Kaede rests by him and lays her hand on his. "Still... the next year, don't do anything too rash, okay?"

"Alright." Shuichi tilts his head. "How have you been doing?"

"Oh, well. Ghostly." She snorts, then pulls her knees to her chest and sighs. "I don't remember, to be honest." Her shoulders start shaking.

"I'm sorry."

And then Kaede fades, fades.

* * *

Her eyebrows furrow.

"So," Kaede says. "So, despite everything you've told me over the past few years, Shirogane's little game included, we are still, somehow, soulmates." 

"Yeah, well." Shuichi shrugs. "I don't suppose her meddling with our memories could go far enough to make you my soulmate out of the blue."

"Mm." She pushes a strand of her hair away, then straightens the folds of her skirt. Her clothing is the same as in the game. All pink lies. "Don't you wish there was another method of finding out whose heart is connected to yours, if I may sound poetic?"

"Perhaps." Shuichi looks down on his hands. They're just like those ten birthdays ago, long-fingered and delicate, no longer calloused and spattered with tiny scars. "I mean..." Even his voice chimes too high, too young. "At least I can see you again."

* * *

"This may be the last time I see you," Shuichi says into Kaede's soft hair. She makes a questioning sound. "I- Do you know how long it has been since you died?"

"A lot of years." She laughs. "Lot and lot. Difficult to tell, though."

"Eighty years." Shuichi's grip on Kaede's waist tightens. "I'm surprised I lived this long."

"I'm not." Her voice takes on an amused note. "Seems like the fate tries its best to keep us apart."

"So you think I could join you?"

"I hope so."

The light goes out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **warnings: death discussion; alcohol mention; medication mention; major character death**
>   * SO YEAH I REALIZED I SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING FOR SAIHARA'S B-DAY SO I WAS JUST LIKE "ye let's fuck the boy up".
>   * (let's ignore the fact it's already past midnight here. and in japan. who cares. not this binch).
>   * FUCK SOULMATE AUS
> 



	19. sleight of hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intuition, precognition, aberration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * warnings in the end notes
> 


Something's wrong. Something's certainly wrong, but everything's been going fine. The way she wanted to, yet-

Is intuition some sort of precognition?

What is going on?

She goes down the stairs to the library, wondering about Saihara-kun's whereabouts. He's supposed to check the cameras, right? Yeah, that's it, he'd do that and, hopefully, find the body of the mastermind. Kaede pauses, her hand hovering over the doorknob, and swallows, hard, but can't choke down the ball (about shot put sized one, _god_ ) of anxiety.

She wishes she could already see bloodstains on her trembling, slender fingers, then opens the door.

And sees a body. Dead, dead for sure, its (his? its) limbs limp and hair sticky with gore. Bright, dull eyes of Shuichi Saihara stare back at her.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * warnings for: character death.
>   * i wrote this in ten minutes to make my friend sad, don't @ me.
>   * also don't worry about this fic having been marked as completed - i did that in case i never add another chapter (inspiration is quite a fickle thing), but hey, that's just what may happen. i still am a saimatsu bitch at heart.
> 



	20. coffee stains and shared shampoos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching TV at one in the morning and making breakfast for two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, ty!
>   * no additional warnings apply; no spoilers
> 


"Is that my shirt?"

Pausing in the middle of fixing herself a cup of coffee, Kaede glances over at Shuichi and gives him an unapologetic smile, but doesn't say anything. And that means he's correct. Yet… he finds himself withholding a blush, falling for how attractive she looks in the garment - she isn't much shorter than him, so the shirt's brim hangs only an inch or so lower than it should, but, combined with a pair of dark jeans, and with her loose hair spilling over the white cotton, it makes Shuichi gawk at her like an idiot.

She truly is unfairly pretty.

"I found it in my room," Kaede says, returning to tinkering with the coffee press, "so I suppose we mixed up our clothes when sorting out laundry." She pours the hot liquid into her favorite mug, the one with a pink lion print, and takes a sip, turning to Shuichi as she props herself on the counter. When she lowers the cup, her eyes, visible over the lid, twinkle with mirth. "Do you want me to give it back to you?"

Shuichi coughs into his hand, then goes to make his own coffee, his roommate moving out of his way. "No, it's fine," he says, a touch helplessly. "I think you look better in it than I do, Kaede-san."

She laughs at that. "Thank you." She waits until he's done, then, barefooted, pads over to the living area and plops down on the sofa, motioning at Shuichi to follow her lead. He does so, of course, and, after taking his place, gazes at her fondly.

"It's quite rare we're both free at the same time," he notices. Kaede nods with a wry smile.

"Yeah," she says. "A shame. But I think that's adulthood for you." She stretches her legs out and sighs, pressing her unoccupied hand to her forehead. "At least we've got today."

"We've got today," Shuichi echoes and returns Kaede's grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * surprise, bitch, bet you thought you've seen the last of me
>   * so this ficlet is a result of me battling a writer's block. you can see that it didn't quite work out. lmao.
> 



	21. landfill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i want you so much ~~but i hate your guts~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, thank you!
>   * **no additional warnings; endgame spoilers**
> 


The words weigh heavy on his tongue, and fall off it like stones into the ocean. "I miss her. I love her." They fade out into the silence of the room, dissolve, swallowed by the shared grief.

"We know, Shuichi." Maki's fists tighten on the blanket, knuckles pushing up against sickly pale skin. It's been days (one hundred and forty, Shuichi counts them with as much care as he puts to cooking for the three of them) since the light of the day warmed her skin. 

(Twenty days since Himiko went outside. One day since Shuichi forced himself to walk to the nearby store, spent ten thousand yen on unnecessarily expensive vegetables and fish, and prepared a simple meal for three).

He shakes his head, says, "I still love her, even if it's fake." 

"That's okay." Himiko presses closer to him. She seems so small and delicate, seated between Maki and him, her chubby fingers fidgeting with a tattered friendship bracelet twinned around her bony wrist. 

If it was another day, Shuichi would wrap his arm around her shoulders, pull her in, kiss her temple; soothe her quiet despair. But today's the first of many anniversaries of Kaede's death, and all he is able to do is wearily watch Maki rub Himiko's back, her arm awkwardly bent between the couch and the tiny girl with hollowed out look in her young eyes.

"I love her," Shuichi repeats. "I love her so much. I-" he clutches his chest, wrinkling the faded t-shirt, as his heart skips a beat, then starts hammering out a brand new rhythm. Quick and wild, unnatural in the deathlike still of the life after Dangan Ronpa.

Himiko lays her head on his shoulder; Maki reaches out to rest her hand on his knee. Inactive, the TV turns off by itself, the frozen image of Kaede's last smile flickering out like a dead firefly. Darkness spills inside the room, broken only by the light coming from Himiko's phone. Shuichi's eyes burn, hot and aching.

"Maybe," Maki says, hoarsely yet gently, "if she had survived, she would deserve your love one day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * title & summary taken from daughter's song 'landfill'.
>   * i wrote this a few days ago, because, you've guessed right, i've had some good old Emo Time. and that's fun. (by fun i mean kill_me_irl_not_online.png).
> 



	22. How You Said Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How I fucked up your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, thank you ♥
>   * **additional warnings in the end notes; endgame spoilers**
> 


"Don't you  _ fucking _ touch me," Shuichi hisses out through his teeth. Suppressing a recoil, Kaede pulls her hand away from him and stares in shock. 

"What?" she says, feeling the color drain out of her face, and Shuichi fixes her with a cold glare.

"After you wanted to murder someone, how dare you even think I would want you anywhere near me?" His expression is cold, colder than a corpse. It sends shivers over Kaede's spine, little electric shocks that push a frown onto her lips. "Just how cruel are you?"

Kaede shakes her head and gets up from the chair, takes a step back from Shuichi's bed. "I wanted to apologise."

"No, you didn't," he says. "You didn't - don't - want to do anything. Why?" He tilts his head, never looking away from Kaede. "Because you don't exist. You're a fake crafted by Shirogane for the purpose of that damned simulation. You're a ghost haunting the body of the real Kaede Akamatsu. You can't want anything."

Black truth, this one is. It fills Kaede's mouth like blood, its droplets spilling out and over her skin, a cold and sticky tar made of what she expected to hear, yet hoped,  _ prayed _ not to. Hoped. Does she even have the right to use this word? She isn't allowed to argue with him, that's for sure. She keeps her tongue in check and wades through her guilt without coming up for air.

"Listen," Saihara says, his voice high and crackling, but hard, "I may be a piece of shit - ah, scratch that, I definitely am, but at least _ I _ am real. Harukawa, Yumeno and I are real. We woke up as who we were born as, unlike the rest of you all." He stops to wet his lips. "And I don't want your apologies, because you're not sorry. You were  _ created _ in a way that makes you feel sorry now." He pauses again; narrows his eyes. "I don't know jack about Kaede Akamatsu, but I'm sure _ she _ wouldn't come to my bedside, ten minutes after I woke up, to grovel and whine."

Each word is a flash of a razor blade cutting into her skin. Kaede looks down at her cheap flip flops when the tears blur her vision.

"Okay," she murmurs, not even trying to be loud enough for Saihara to hear.

Yet he catches that, because he adds, "Don't come here again."

"Okay."

She holds on to that.

He never has to see her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **cw: medical stuff; death mentions/imagery; blood/injury imagery.**
>   * title and summary taken from daughter's song 'landfill'
>   *  :^3c hehe
> 



	23. i can't live here anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so do you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * **warnings in the end notes; endgame spoilers**
>   * beta by vee @ikuzonos, thank you ♥
> 


The air inside the car fills with the choking smell of burnt tobacco. Wisps of grayness move through it, slow and steady like strange fish swimming through the bottom of an ocean.

"I never loved you," Kaede says without taking her eyes off Shuichi as she squeezes the steering wheel. He nibbles on his lower lip, but nods in bitter acknowledgement. "And I never will."

He hands her the lit cigarette. She accepts it, opens the window by her side to let the smoke sneak outside, mixing with the early morning's cool breeze. "As if I didn't know that already." Before Kaede has the chance to reply, he adds, "But is it beyond possible for us to be– just friends?" 

"After Dangan Ronpa?" She sounds skeptical, and Shuichi tries not to flinch. He still loves her. He thinks so. "'m not so sure about it."

"Well," Shuichi begins without knowing what to say to convince her, "you _ did _ agree to this whole–" he gestures around, at the littered dashboard and the backseats of Kaede's cheap Toyota, blankets and empty fast food wrappers stacked on the weathered leather "–road trip thing, so that's– that's the evidence that you don't hate me, at the very least." He swallows. Kaede passes the cigarette back to him, and Shuichi attempts not to stare at the apple–red chapstick stains. Instead, he inhales the nicotine, welcoming its familiar, harsh taste. It grounds him in this real life. Real time. 

Kaede moves to start the car, but stops halfway in, her pale, bony fingers hovering over the ignition keys. Shuichi puts out the cigarette in the sooty ashtray and then, after a quick consideration, pokes her in the shoulder with the tip of his index finger.

"What's up, Kaede–san?" he asks, hoping the casualness of his question will paint over their talk. 

Kaede doesn't love him, and that's why he calls her Kaede, not Akamatsu. The one he called that existed only for a few days. The former is the one who awoke from the simulation, caustic and tone–deaf, and unfeigned – unlike him, who dreams of cases and corpses which never existed.

"I don't hate you."

Her voice barely makes it out of her throat, yet Shuichi can easily commit the way she spoke to his memory. Kaede turns the keys – the engine revs to life – and gifts Shuichi with one of her rare, slit–like smiles. 

"You're right about that. There's very little about you that I could dislike. But," she pulls out from where she parked the car by the side of a Denny's restaurant, "don't let this get to your head. We're not friends." She joins the traffic on the highway while Shuichi switches on navigation in his phone.

"I know," he says. After all, he's given up on hoping. He thinks. He hopes.

"Besides," Kaede murmurs, almost gently, "you weren't the only one needing to escape."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>   * **cw: smoking.**
>   * title taken from daughter's song (please check it out, it makes me wonderfully emo)
>   * happy birthday, kaede ♥ i love you so much, my good girl
>   * at the moment, i'm in the throes of a terrible writer's block, so that's why i haven't been posting much, haha. but, to make up for that, a few friends and i have been working on editing my previously unbetaed works, so there's that c: you can find out which ones have been corrected on my twitter @soniagiris !!! ♥
> 



	24. the story of oak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> •beta by misty @mistropolis and star @dunyazad, thank you! ♥  
> •warnings in the end notes; endgame spoilers

"I was seven," Shuichi says, barely audible over the sound of rustling leaves, "when I learned how to read. And I– I really liked it. It was like an–" He falters, flushes.

"–an escape?" Kaede picks up, her hand gentle where it rests over his.

Shuichi nods, not quite meeting her eyes. "Yeah. When I read, I wasn't a boy trapped inside a miserable little girl's body. I was a wizard, an adventurer, or a detective – but, uh, that's a– a whole different story." He pauses again, mulling over his words and kicking his legs where they are hanging two meters above the ground.

The oak tree has welcomed him back like his parents never had the chance to. It's much taller and broader, which is a given, considering that over fifteen years have passed since Shuichi climbed it for the first time, but he hasn't had any problems getting to the familiar fork between the branches, the one he spent so many hours cuddled into, a thick book on his lap and his hair tied down in a messy ponytail which smacked into his back every time he moved.

He returned there every summer until he was fourteen and in love with Dangan Ronpa. At least, he thinks wryly, his love for detectives remained, judging by how much Kyoko Kirigiri-themed merchandise he found in his old room.

That lets him fall back into the rut. "So I borrowed books from the public library, scaled this tree–" with his free palm, he pats its trunk affectionately "–and spent hours up here. My parents were a bit scared at first, thought I'd fall down and break my neck, but after a few weeks they gave up and let me do what I wanted. That," he says with a crooked smile, "kind of tells about how much they cared for me."

"I feel you," Kaede says sadly. "Mine weren't– weren't much better than yours. I think."

That's a funny thing, the discrepancy between their abilities to remember. Shuichi promptly recalls the plot of the second Dangan Ronpa game, where the killed were supposed to wake up as what they were before going into the simulation while the living – as who they were  _ inside.  _ And here they are, Shuichi with every memory, Kaede with a lot of gaps, blanks and disconnected reminiscences of her past life. She has only a few stories, even after two years, while Shuichi has  _ all of them.  _ Just like the tree one.

"I'm sorry," he breathes out, his thumb rubbing circles into Kaede's soft skin, as their feet dangle in the air, swaying gently, just like the leaves. 

"Don't be," she chides gently. "None of this is your fault."

Shuichi nods. He knows that, yet… "Thank you," he says. "For everything."

Kaede smiles at him, sweet and private, only for the two of them, hidden away from the world inside the foliage. Just like when Shuichi was younger, still innocent, safe on the branch above the ground. And now he shares this sense of safety with Kaede.

He smiles back at her.

They're going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
> •cw: dysphoria mentions; child neglect mentions.  
> •inspired by gabriella's song of the same title c:  
> •been a while since my last fluff, huh


	25. take me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dream. Sometimes I think that's the only right thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you, sweetpeas <3
> 


The golden sunlight sneaking inside the room through the blinds' slits draws wide lines on the tatami, on the worn furniture, and on Shuichi's sleeping form. Kaede cards her fingers through his hair, enjoying how soft and smooth it feels on her skin. Murmuring something to himself, Shuichi flips onto his back, his head still on Kaede's lap, and opens his eyes just a crack.   
"Morning, sleeping beauty," she says and reaches for the remote to turn off the muted TV. Shuichi's eyelashes flutter as he attempts to force his eyelids open, and it's well beyond endearing.   
"How long was I–" He's cut off by a yawn that forces its way out of his throat and leaves him frowning.   
"You've been out for just about an hour," Kaede replies. She shrugs one shoulder, unconcerned. "It's fine. You were exhausted, so I let you catch some z's. Besides," she adds with a teasing grin, "you look adorable when you're asleep."   
As anticipated, that gets him very flustered. "H-hey there, Kaede, that was, uh..." he stammers out, rubbing his eyes with a fist. "I wanted to spend some time with you now that I've got no work, but I ended up... Sorry."   
"No problem," Kaede says gently, leaning down to plant a kiss on his sharp cheekbone. "You needed the rest." She straightens up and smiles when Shuichi takes her hand, still entangled in his hair, into his, and squeezes. "Besides, we've still got time. The rest of our lives seems awfully long, don't you think?"   
"It will still be too short if I am to spend it with you," Shuichi says, an affectionate smile painting itself across his tousled features, then sits up. "And I will cherish every second of it."   
"Geez, when did you start reading romance novels?" Kaede laughs and allows him to pull her up to her feet along with himself. "Well, if you're looking for a way to make a girl like you, you've already got one, so don't sweat about it."   
Instead of letting go of her hand, Shuichi pulls it to his mouth so he can kiss the small patch of skin above the golden band on the ring finger. "I'll keep that in mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * no additional warnings apply!
>   * written for terry @ludoviconuvole, as a thank-you for his support c:
>   * summary is a quote from haruki murakami's book 'sputnik sweetheart', which is absolutely amazing and i really recommend it c:
> 



	26. I'll Wrap Up My Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we're still sleeping like we're lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by wonderful misty @mistropolis and vee @ikuzonos, thank you!!!
>   * **warnings in the end notes; v3 endgame spoilers**
> 


“I loved you endlessly."

"Loved," Kaede repeats. "So you don't—"

"No. No, I don't," Shuichi says blankly, looking out the window. "Maybe never did back then. Maybe that was just a— I don't know. Maybe you were just my emotional crutch. Maybe I just thought it was love. And _ for sure _ it was Shirogane's doing."

Kaede hugs her knees to her chest, then glances at Shuichi, who still won't meet her eyes. Even though she can feel the warmth of his body, snug against hers on the crunchy motel bed, the distance between them doesn't seem like one she could ever cross.

"Do you think we could fall in love with each other now?" she asks, brave in the way that masks her fear. She doesn't know what she wants Shuichi to say, and she doesn't think that any answer he’d give would alleviate the gnawing hollowness in her chest.

"We could," he ends up saying, then passes the gin bottle back to her. The burn of alcohol has set the walls on their hearts and tongues on fire, she thinks to herself, turned them to ashes. "But that doesn't mean we should."

"Or shouldn't."

"I don't trust you." It hurts, but she doesn't let her expression fall.

"That makes the two of us." She takes another sip. "Yet you came here with me." A pause. "Do you regret it?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. Do you?"

"The two of us." Kaede repeats, and laughs, loud and high and a tad hysterical. "God, we're fucked up. We're not even real."

"So any love between us wouldn't be real," Shuichi adds with a wry smile. He finally meets her eyes, now. They're dry. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, until nothing is left.

The gin on his lips tastes just as bad as the one in the bottle.

"So be it," Kaede says without breaking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * **cw: alcohol; pda.**
>   * title and summary taken from daughter's song 'still'. what can i say? i love this band a lot.
>   * also: i'm so sorry. c:
> 



	27. Making New Cliches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life can be beautiful, you know. As long as there is love, everything can be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * beta by misty @mistropolis and silv @silveredfox, thank you!
>   * no warnings apply
> 


"It's astonishing, don't you think?"   
"What is?"   
Instead of answering, Kaede huffs out an annoyed breath, then clings to Shuichi even tighter. Absent-mindedly, he presses a kiss to the crown of her head, taking in the scent of her herbal shampoo. In response, she rests her hand on his chest, and Shuichi loops an arm around her waist. His fingers brush the bare skin along her side where her t-shirt has ridden up.    
"What is?" he repeats, drawing circles with his fingertips on Kaede's midriff.    
"Geez, you're really gonna make me say it, aren't you?" she murmurs into his neck. Her cheeks are, Shuichi observes, as red as the poppies growing in the field at which they're chilling, and most likely as warm as the sun-rays falling on their intertwined bodies   
"Well,  _ you _ started," Shuichi points out, causing Kaede to puff in irritation again. He chuckles, then adds, "But if you don't want to continue, you don't have to."   
"Here's the thing, Shuichi," Kaede says, lifting her head from where she nestled it in her neck. Their eyes meet, and she gives him one of her beautiful smiles. "I want you to know, I simply don't know – mind you,  _ know, _ not  _ want _ –  _ how _ to tell you." She reaches out over Shuichi, rips out a strand of grass and meticulously shreds it, dropping the pieces on the blanket they're laying on.   
"Well, you could simply, uh, go and tell me– I-I mean, very little would upset me." This time, it's Shuichi's turn to go red.   
"Yesterday you were crying because of that pony cartoon you love," Kaede says curtly. Shuichi's blush deepens. "But yeah, so let me just say it – it's amazing that we found each other amongst the billions of people on this Earth. Isn't it?"   
It takes Shuichi a moment to compose himself enough to nod.   
"Yeah," he murmurs, pulling Kaede back towards himself, "it truly is."   
She laughs into the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
>  
> 
>   * written for flutt @TriangleParrot, hope you like it c:
>   * dunno, man. sometimes u gotta go Full Fluff.
> 


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading my works! if you liked them (or have anything to say), please feel free to drop a comment - as you may know, us writers thrive on [coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A655IW0) and validation! (and depression. wait, no. that's just me. ...shit.)


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